Compassionate Communication
Q. I am a results oriented person. My girlfriend is more oriented toward feelings. When she starts to cry, I am at a loss. I just want her to stop and think things through, but that makes her mad. I try to help her solve her problems, but she seems to want to wallow in them. I get so frustrated that I finally go away, and that makes things worse. I don’t know what to do. Suggestions? CA Drifter
A. Try this formula from the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. on Compassionate Communication. Each of you shares your observations, feelings, needs and requests.
An observation is a neutral description of what was seen or heard. It is not mixed with evaluations, opinions or conclusions. A feeling or “pure” emotion boils down to discomfort, sad, mad, scared and/or confused. It is not a perception or judgment of the other person. Look up synonyms for the above feelings in a thesaurus. A need, value, want or hope states the bigger picture of what is connected to the emotion. It is about physical survival, nurturance, spiritual communion, and celebration of life; autonomy, integrity, and/or interdependence. It is not expressed as expectations or blame. A request is a positive, do-able action.
This way of communicating takes the adversarial quality out of the communication. For instance your girlfriend might say, “When I begin sharing my feelings and I hear you trying to solve the problem before I fully feel through them, I feel hurt, exasperated, sad, anxious and hesitant. What I need is empathy, understanding, tenderness and consideration. My request is that when I share my feelings with you, that you just listen and reassure me. Help me feel through what is happening, rather than just “solve the problem.”
What you might say to her is, “ When I see you crying I feel uneasy, frustrated, anxious, helpless and confused. I need harmony, order, peace and balance. I want to help you find a solution. My request is for you to tell me what you need for me to help you “feel through what is happening”. Tell me if you want me to just listen, to hold you when you cry, or what it is you need. Also tell me what I do that helps you.”
This form of communication gets right to the heart of the matter and leaves both people feeling good. For more information on Compassionate Communication call Christa Morf at 573-0416.
|
 |
