Do More Inquiry
Q. Thank you for all the great columns this past year. My husband and I read them regularly, and have learned a lot! We still get stuck around being “right”. I find it hard to listen when I feel he has the facts wrong. He gets outraged when he feels he’s being criticized unjustly. We’d like to get over this glitch. It makes us both feel disconnected and that hurts. Any suggestions? Old Souls
A. Thanks for letting us know we’ve made a difference in your lives. That’s why we’re here! As to your issue, it’s one most of us have. Nobody likes feeling they are being “made wrong”, especially when it may come from a misunderstanding. Lots of problems stem from just this simple fact. We act from what we believe someone has said or done without checking it out first. When we do this, the person receiving the judgment or criticism feels maligned, hurt and misunderstood, and often gets angry. One way to diminish this kind of problem is to do more inquiry.
When you feel yourself getting hot under the collar because of something you think your partner said or did, first make a statement to the effect, “What I heard you say is…” or “What I thought you said is…” or “What I saw you do is…” Complete that statement asking, “Is that correct?” What you are doing is stating what you thought you heard or saw, and checking it out. Right there you may get the correction. “No, what I said/did was…” That simple exercise in discretion alone will save you thousands of hours of drama that comes with misunderstanding. If you did hear or see correctly, ask, “What did you mean by that?” or “How did you think I would react to that?” Asking ‘how’ or ‘what’ is better than asking ‘why’ questions. Also asking the person to share with you their thinking or actions is better than blaming or criticizing them. It gives a chance for a dialog to ensue, rather than having a fight right off the bat.
If you both know you are teammates, doing your best to communicate as clearly as you can, and loving each other as perfectly as you can, you can relax and assume the other must have a good reason to say or do whatever it is. That way, you come to each experience with an open heart and mind, wanting to understand with compassion.
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