Controlling Anger
Q. I get so angry with my wife when she doesn't listen to me and blows it. My dad was physically abusive, and I learned how harmful that was, but I still say things I'm sorry for later. How can I control my temper? J.R. Kahului
A. You are a big man for even asking that question. We learn to be in the world the way we saw those around us being. You obviously are tuned in because you figured out physical abuse was not the way to go. You've seen what verbal abuse does. It hurts the one giving it as much as the one receiving it, and pushes the ones you love away. Stopping a pattern that has been going on for some time is possible, and well worth the effort. Three steps to controlling anger: 1. Take responsibility for your actions and reactions. 2. Talk about what upset you when calm. Get help when needed. 3. Commit to cultivating inner peace. See yourself as a calm and powerful man. Mastering the emotional realm means you choose your response rather than being controlled by learned emotions. The first step in taking responsibility for your anger and rage is dissipating it. When the kettle is boiling you must find a way to cool it down before you burn somebody. When you start feeling frustrated that is the beginning of anger. Take a few breaths and some time out. It is not the time to talk to your wife. You might say something like "Right now I am starting to lose it and I don't want to say anything I might be sorry for later. I'm going (for a walk, to the beach, to the gym). I'll be back in (an hour or two) after I've cooled off. I want to talk to you then." Releasing the physical energy, especially in nature, makes a difference. During this time let yourself remember that what is most important in your relationship is the love you and your wife share. If you have a sister or brother or good friend you can talk to, share with them how you are committed to getting out of your verbally abusive cycle. Ask for their help. Tell them all the things you love about your wife, and when you are upset, ask them to listen to your upset and then remind you of the good feelings you have for her. The second step is you must address the content of what upsets you. Addressing it from a calm place can help you come to a solution much faster. You actually save time and energy when you communicate from a calm place. Ask yourself, how important is this content? Often we get all worked up over stuff that is really petty. If it is something important, commit to staying calm. Slow down. Speak softly. Imagine this is someone elses problem, not yours. If you and your wife are so inclined, you might even pray about it, and ask for the answer to the dilemma to be shown to you. Or you might want to get some professional help. Often a third party can see solutions where you cannot. Most importantly, trust that you will work out your issues. There is lots of help available everywhere. You are not alone in this world. The final aspect of this is to make a commitment to yourself to shift the way you react to situations by cultivating inner peace. As long as outer situations can cause you to lose your "cool," you are at the mercy of the outer world. A driver pulls in front of you; someone is rude; you dont get your way and poof, there goes your inner peace. When you make a commitment to being at peace no matter what, you begin a journey toward freedom that will support every aspect of your life. The more peaceful you are inside, the more peaceful the world you live in will be, because what is our reality anyway? Our inner experience, which is the way we feel! Simply asking the question means you are on the road to manifesting peace in your life. Peace is one of the most precious gifts we can give ourselves and everyone around us. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. You have taken that step.
|
|
