Fear of Abusive Relationship
Q. When I first moved in with my new boyfriend he was really nice. It's been just 2 months and now it seems he criticizes me a lot. I want to give this relationship a chance, but I'm afraid of getting into an abusive relationship again. V.K. Kula
A. Criticism is painful. It turns people off and can kill love. By the tone of your question it sounds like you have experienced something similar that ended with abuse. Is your boyfriend an abusive person? How is he with other people he's close with, like his Mom, Dad or sisters? How did his last relationship end? If you genuinely fear abuse, get help for the relationship now or get out. If he is basically a good loving person, but your past is bringing up fears, you may need to look at your own pattern of expecting abuse. Our minds are very powerful. Our fears generally show up at some point. You must see clearly and tell yourself the truth. What is the content of your boyfriends criticism? Is it valid? Often our partners are echoing something that we are critical of in ourselves. Is it something you want to and can change? If it is, find a time and tell him you need to talk about something very important. Tell him you want to be the best partner you can be, and that the changes he's asking for are things you want as well. However, you want to have a quality of communication that feels kind and loving, not harsh and critical. If there are things he wants to change about you that you don't want to change, tell him "This is who or how I am, and I'm comfortable with it." Ask him if he loves you enough to live with this trait or quality without criticizing you, because his criticism makes you want to leave. Discuss just how important these things are to him and to you. You may have things you are critical of in him. Talk about how you want to address changes either of you may want the other to make. If you can agree on a format that allows you each to speak your truth about your needs and wants in relationship, you will set a precedent that will serve you well in your relationship. As issues come up for either of you, you will have an agreement that says, "I can talk to you about the things I don't feel good about, as long as I do it respectfully andkindly, without blame or judgment." You are wise to ask these questions early in relationship. It's much different dating someone and actually living with them. "Stuff" comes up more easily when you're constantly in each other's space. Talk about these things now and set the template for the quality of energy you want in relationship.
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