Getting Out of Blame/Guilt Cycle
Q. How can my partner and I get out of the "blame-guilt" cycle? T.R. Kihei
A. Blame and guilt do not serve as constant companions. Blame-Guilt serves only to let you know you need to do something differently. Tell your partner you'd like to get out of the "blame cycle". Commit to communicating your feelings without blame or judgment. When you blame someone else, you disempower yourself. One way to get out of the "blame cycle" is to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Instead of, "You made me mad", say, "I am angry right now." Insteadof, "You hurt me", say, "I feel really sad right now". Something starts to shift when you do this. This mode of communication lets you take responsibility for your own feelings. "I" statements let you see how you place yourself in situations. When you realized it is you who placed yourself in a situation you later decide you don't wish to be in, you can take yourself out of that situation. When you blame others, you feel like a victim. When you take responsibility, you realize you are making the choices that place you in situations. If you don't like the situation you are in, you may first wish to see if your partner is willing to work with you in changing the experience. To really change a "blame-guilt" pattern, both people must be willing to "take responsibility". This means both are willing to step back and see how they each contributed to the upset. One question you can ask yourselves is, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? Another tip in changing the "blame-guilt" cycle is to wait until you both have cooled off before you talk about the situation. Only when the emotion has passed should you communicate or act. If you say things that are mean, degrading, vengeful or name-calling, you add fuel to the fire, which makes it even harder to come back to the love. Each of you take some time to see what your part was in contributing to the upset, as well as getting clear about the change of behavior you want for yourself and your partner. Don't put it off indefinitely, or sweep it under the rug. Do suggest a time to sit down respectfully with each other and talk. For instance you might say, "Right now I'm so mad I'm afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I'm going for a walk so I can cool down and think about this. I'd like to meet you back here in an (hour)." Remember, you can only do something like this with the full cooperation of both people. Either of you can undermine the efforts of the other. You can't play tennis with someone who refuses to play. Neither can you have a relationship with someone who only wants to blame and judge. Sometimes it is hard to see what you are doing by yourselves. If you both are sincerely trying your best, and still can't get out of the cycle, you may need someone who can see the patterns and help you make different choices.
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