Intelligent Communication
Q. My boyfriend and I are intelligent people, but we come from different cultures and just can't seem to communicate. I get so frustrated trying to share with him my thoughts and feelings. He just doesn't get it. He tries to understand me with his head instead of his heart. We love each other a lot, but I'm wondering if there is any hope because our communication is so difficult. Any ideas on this? T. M. Los Angeles
A. Communication is an art. We learn to communicate by listening to and watching our parents, siblings and teachers. If they were great communicators, we probably are too. If not, we likely have some bad habits that make communication difficult. Most people think they communicate just fine, and that the problem is with everyone else. The first step is knowing there is always more to learn..
A good listener: 1. makes you feel relaxed 2. shows genuine interest. 3. doesn't interrupt. 4. listens more than talks 5. can feed back to you what you just said 6.makes you feel like they have no agenda 7.draws you out without interrogating 8. listens between your words to your feelings 9. discovers what turns you on in your life. Practice these skills by taking turns talking and listening.
When conversing pay particular attention to the body language and to the tone of the voice. These things often carry the message more than the words. Don't talk at someone, talk to them. Make sure you are looking in each other's eyes. The eyes are the windows of the soul. Share what has heart and meaning for you. Don't argue or bicker. If you disagree with something, listen respectfully first. When the person is complete with their thought, first feed back what you heard to make sure you heard it accurately then respectfully share your thoughts and feelings. Don't raise your voice or use anger to threaten or overpower.
For communication to rise to a higher octave, you both must be willing to shed old habits that do not serve the dialogue. You can only work on your own patterns that undermine the process. Exploring the possibilities together can only enhance your quality of intimacy.
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