Jealousy and Blinders
Q. My wife is so jealous if I even notice a beautiful woman. I'm very faithful, but I still see the lovely women around me. Now I feel quilt for even looking at them. I can't go through life with blinders. What should I do?
A. So much angst and agony is perpetuated by the idea that once we have a partner, we should not even want to look at another man or woman. Let's face it, there are many beautiful men and women in our midst all the time, and it's natural to appreciate beauty. In fact, it is healthy to notice and appreciate the beauty in everyone. Our society makes a fetish out of certain kinds of beauty, which we as a culture pick up on. Hollywood is built on beautiful women and handsome men,as is the advertising medium. So we are told, "look" by our society and "don't look" by jealous partners. If you try to placate your wife by pretending not to look, you are only fostering her jealousy. Better to sit down with her and talk with her. Ask her why she is so afraid of you looking at others. Does she not trust you? Let her know how much you love her and just how committed you are to her and making your relationship strong. Let her know that you've got to be yourself, and this means looking at and appreciating beauty in men, women, children, dogs, flowers ... whatever! You might balance this by making sure you let her know how beautiful you find her, her internal beauty as well as her outer beauty. Let her know that outer beauty falls away someday anyway, and tell her what you find so special about her that makes you want to be faithful. If trust is an issue, work on fostering trust. Find out what you both can do to strengthen the relationship. The stronger the bond between you, and the more trust you both cultivate, the less jealousy is an issue. This creates more spaciousness where you can both enjoy looking and even commenting on the beautiful men and women in your life!
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