Need For Better Communication
Q. I have been in relationship for a few years now with a wonderful man, but our communication is not all it could be. I have suggested we go to a class, or get some private counseling, but he is resistant. I think he feels it means something is wrong with him. I just know our relationship could be better if we could communicate more effectively. Any suggestions? S. L. Paia
A. More and more people are realizing that getting help with communication skills means a better chance at having the best possible relationship. Our society has not traditionally taught us skills in this area. We were taught to debate, which means who can get their point across best , and win. We learned by watching our parents communicate, and too often we learned to either argue, or be silent and withdraw. Learning to communicate well is an art form. In good communication you listen carefully, and ask questions with the intention of better understanding your partner and his/her needs. You communicate your thoughts and feelings without blame or judgment. You respect what each other has to say, and you make the time to talk to each other. We all need to learn this. Unless you had the great good fortune of having people around you who were good at communication, it is unlikely you have these skills. Workshops Classes are a great way to learn, and counseling with someone you like and trust can give you the tools you need to develop these skills. Even books can help a great deal. If your partner is not yet amenable to a class or counseling, go to the library or a book store and find a book that appeals to you. 1. Find a time when you and your partner are feeling good together. 2. Tell him all the things you love and appreciate about him and your relationship. 3. Tell him you are committed to upleveling your communication skills because you want your relationship to be the best it can be. 4. Ask if he wants the same. 5. Ask if you can share what you are learning with him. 6. Read the book yourself, and share with him parts that appeal to you that you think will make your communication better. Be sure to practice these things in your communication with him. Most of us have some bad communication habits. These prevent us from being heard. By being willing to learn and grow yourself, you are sending a powerful message to your partner. Be the best communicator you can be, and your partner will most likely follow suit. Changes sometimes take time to fulfill, but improvements in communication will reap big dividends. Good communication is a turn on! You can invite your partner to join you in this endeavor, but you cannot force him. Respect your partner's desires along these lines, but don't limit your own growth if he's not ready.
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