Pegged As Judgemental
Q. My relationship with my partner has been getting worse, despite my attempts to improve my poor communication skills. He has pegged me as being judgmental, and even the tiniest slip-up on my part means all improvement is lost in his eyes. I'm trying my best, but it's getting worse. Suggestions? TR.. Kihei
A. We are all judgmental at times. To "tell the truth without blame or judgment" as Angeles Arrien recommends takes a lot of practice. We need to be discerningand communicate the things that don't work for us. If behavior is offensive, we have the right to say something. How to communicate what you are unhappy about in a way that doesn't offend your partner sounds like your dilemma. Sharon Ellison has a book called Non-Defensive Communication. It teaches how to communicate concerns without blame or judgement. We need this training, since our Western Society has been trained to argue, debate and judge. Another issue is the sensitivity of your partner at this time. It sounds like your partner is reacting by judging you for judging him. This is common. You can go back and forth judging each other forever. The question is, are you BOTH willing to listen to each other's upset's, change what needs change, and then let go and forgive? As long as you are sincerely learning to change old habits, you must come to the place where you recognize you are each doing your best, yet you are human and will slip up and do things imperfectly. Don't hold this against each other. Hold each other in the highest light. Instead of saying something negative to yourself about your partner, say to yourself, "My partner really loves me and is trying his best." Ask your partner to also hold you in the highest light. Ask him if he knows you arelearning and growing and doing your best, and that you are only human and will slip into old habits from time to time. Tell him you honestly mean well, and to please have compassion for your efforts. Tell him you are willing to continue to get help in learning how to communicate ever more lovingly and no judgmentally, and if you have concerns, they must be addressed. If he is willing to participate in this way, you can let go of old ways of thinking about each other and move into a whole new and better relationship. If you can't do this, you may need third party professional intervention to help your relationship.
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