Taking Responsibility Vs. Blame
Q. My boyfriend never admits he's wrong or that he would have done something differently. He will not take responsibility for his actions. He thinks "taking responsibility" is "being responsible" and he does not feel he is "to blame". Please explain the difference. T.R.Kihei
A. "Taking responsibility" is not about being "to blame". Blame creates guilt, resentment and diminishes self worth. It's also destructive. No one wants to feel guilt, so we try to place it elsewhere and therefore blame each other. Taking responsibility means becoming aware of how your actions, energetics, attitudes and choices affect everyone with whom you interact. Your feelings such as fear, anger, sadness, or joy will affect all your interactions, from your sweetheart to the bank clerk! Your self acceptance, or lack of it; your feelings of self worth, or lack of them; your feelings of guilt, shame, respect or tolerance will all affect how you interact with your world. When you "take responsibility", you realize you are responsible for how you act or react to situations in your life. You may be so angry you feel like hurting someone. You are responsible for controlling yourself so that you don't. In your anger you may want to lash out and call names. You are responsible for waiting until you are calm and centered so you can talk about things rationally, in a way that doesn't add more fuel to the fire or emotionally hurt those you love. Bottom line, you are responsible for being aware of how you affect your environment, and finding a place of inner peace so that you can meet life's challenges with equanimity. This state is generally referred to as being awake. When we are "awake" we see the effects of blame and judgement and start to move away from non-productive interactions. We then have freed up enormous amounts of energy for activities which are much more pleasant. There are many ways to do this including prayer, meditation, deep relaxation, visualization, yoga, breathing exercises, time in nature...to name a few. The focus is on coming to a place of stillness and peace inside yourself. When you do this, you can perceive more clearly how your thoughts, words and actions affect those around you. When you are calm inside you also receive inner guidance, make better choices and communicate more effectively. Take responsibility for your inner peace first, and your life will improve.
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