Wanting Commitment
Q. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for 5 years. I would like to go to the next phase, either marriage or some kind of commitment. I don't want To push, but I'm getting antsy. How could I approach this? M.D. Kihei.
A. Have you and your boyfriend ever talked about "commitment"? This might be a good place to start. What does it mean to him? What does it mean to you? Tell him you want to talk about something that is important to you, and you want to know how he feels. Find a time and place away from interruptions from the phone or friends. Create something you both would enjoy together, like a walk or picnic in nature. Simply inquire, without "grilling". Ask him sincerely how he feelsabout taking your relationship to the next level. Ask him what he sees in the future for the two of you. Tell him what you want for your life, and why you want commitment. Perhaps it's to create more stability to have children, or to buy a home together. Whatever your reasons and needs are, it's important that he listens to them. This is so important in having a quality relationship. Both parties must be willing to hear the needs and feelings of the other. The more you can communicate without blame or judgment, the easier it will be for him to hear you. Also, don't whine. Say whatyou need from your heart, with a soft inner strength. And be willing to hear him. Perhaps he has some concerns about you that he needs to express. If you both want the same thing, you can go forward together. If you find you want very different things, you need to consider the possibility of moving on. You can't make him want what you want. Don't even try to talk him into seeing things your way. Respect his feelings and needs, in the same way you want him to respect yours. All you can do is discover what he does want, and make good choices for yourself based on the reality of the situation.
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